My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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