Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
