I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
