I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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