I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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