just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
