they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
