im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
