I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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