He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
