Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
