I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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