Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
