I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
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I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
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I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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