My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
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Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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