I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My bed smells like the plague
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
