My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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