Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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