Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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