I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize