Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
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I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"