i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
