So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize