U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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