We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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