I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
