That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
