Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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