I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
