yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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