He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
