if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
