I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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