if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
