My first STD was from a foam party
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
