If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I wish I only lived at night.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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