she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
