I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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