You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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