i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
