At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
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My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
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I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.