Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
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