Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.