I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
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It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
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I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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