This is not my ceiling
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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