How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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