my vag is so smooth its legendary
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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