Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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