I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
