i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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