How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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