I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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