You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
