I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
