Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I did not marry a roomba.
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